[WP]: Describe the ugliest person imaginable using only praises and compliments

She was more handsome than a barfing snail. When people looked at her they couldn't look away, and dreamed about her for weeks after, waking up screaming every night. Her hair were like an ocean, a very deep ocean with terrifying creatures underneath. She had beautiful blue eyes, a lot of them, looking kindly at each other. What can I say, that girl stole my heart. And refused to give it back until I kiss her. That was a wonderful moment I won't be able to forget for the rest of my life, no matter how hard I try.

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What an awesome way to practice tongue in cheek comments! Haha.