I can almost feel the indent on the bed still. My mind is playing tricks on me, as I convince myself the area still feels warm from her body heat. Time has a tendency to evaporate into thin air when you’re comfortable and content and only too late will you realise what it really is. I clench a fist of the bed sheet as I remind myself she is not present. I feel like I need her now more than ever. Several times I felt like the happiest man alive, but slowly those were overshadowed by kicking and screaming as time passed by. The cloud will never stay pink. It’s colour is going to fade and before you notice it, it has turned to dark red and is soon to become completely desaturated.
I convinced myself I needed her. Whenever we were not together I was craving my drug; her. I struggled to maintain my relationship to the outside world as the addiction grew. We offered each other excuses, we diverted our individual paths and ran away - sometimes near, sometimes far. We could disappear for days at a time, spending time just gazing into each others eyes, letting our thoughts play freely like kids on summer break without a worry. All we needed was the company of each other and for time to stop.
Time carried on as it always does. Sex replaced with sleep, hugs replaced with distance. It became a chore to interact but felt mundane not to. Expectancies grew bigger, distances further.
Feeling inadequate is like standing on the edge of a cliff, just waiting for the next big gust of wind to force you into free fall. Cut your losses, admit defeat, take the fight and wait for time to heal the wounds. Or bury the body now. Either way is hurt and reminiscence.
But under ground, she won’t come back to haunt you.