Dave the Normal Guy

Dave had been walking down to the deli for his lunch break when the vampire leapt in front of him.

“I vill suck your blood and transform you into my eternal groom,” she declared.

“Oh, great,” Dave said. “That’s just fantastic. But could you not? I’m kind of in the middle of something.”

The vampire raised an exquisitely crafted eyebrow. “You don’t look like you’re doing anything.”

“Well, I am on my lunch break. But when I’m done I have to go back to work and continue the project I’m working on right now.”

“I’m sure it’s not important,” she said dismissively. “I need to you lead my army of darkness.”

“See, I’m sure that would be lovely,” Dave told her, “but I’ve been through stuff like that before and it never ends well. I’d really rather just keep working at the company. I’ve got a good thing going there.”

“But my love-” protested the vampire.

“And another thing,” he said sternly. “I’m not your love. I’ve never met you before today. I don’t even know your name.”

“My name is-”

“I don’t care what your name is, either.” Dave sighed and glanced at his watch. “Look, I’m sure you’re very nice, and I hope that your army-of-darkness thing works out. But this kind of thing happens to me a lot and I’m getting a little fed-up with it.”

“But vhere vill I find a new husband?” protested the vampire. “He must fit the ancient prophecy! You are the only one!”

Dave glanced around. “How about that guy?” he suggested, pointing.

“He doesn’t fit the prophecy,” she said crossly.

Dave shrugged. “Prophecies are usually bunk, I doubt it’ll make any difference.”

The vampire regarded him appraisingly. “He is rather handsome,” she admitted, turning back to Dave. “But I’m sure you’d be able to do it better.”

“Yeah, probably,” Dave admitted. “But I don’t want to. He has been staring at you since you stepped onto the street.”

The vampire relented. “Fine, I’ll try him. But if it doesn’t vork out, I’m coming back to you.”

“Sure, whatever,” he said dismissively. The vampire began walking towards the other man as Dave finally entered the deli to get his lunch, where he declined the inheritance of an ancient magical blade, refused to go defeat an evil warlord, and convinced an old wizard that he was looking for someone else.

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